This song will always belong to my new beginnings. My transformative, terrifying, wonderful moments of almost-adulthood.

The first of these was on an airplane. Virgin America took me to San Francisco in 2008 with my 6 new best friends. I heard this as we lifted off the ground. I kept saying, “This is my first trip without an adult” and they told me, “You are an adult!” I was 19. I felt so bright, independent, blessed. We had a wonderful time, all sleeping on 2 twin beds in a tiny hotel room.

Today this song ignites a new bright moment inside me. I am going back to San Francisco, but without these friends. Four years later I will return to the magic, cloudy city to live. I feel uplifted again, but also terrified, unprepared, in awe of the opportunity God has shown me. Back to San Francisco with the same song in my head.

“This is a happy end, come and give me your hand I’ll take you far away.”

Here I go.

I love the quiet of the night.

I hear neighbor’s sprinklers turn on.

A lone skateboarder gliding over cracks in the pavement makes that familiar sound. He reminds me of Logan, and myself years ago. I wonder where he is coming from. Work? Girlfriend’s house? Every night.

One car passes every few minutes. Usually it is a quiet engine hum, but sometimes it is a rumbling motorcycle or someone loudly accelerating to a racing speed. I don’t mind though. I like these night sounds.

A dog barks a few times. Then another dog chimes in. I wonder why the dogs are sleeping outside. I’m one of those people who believes dogs should sleep indoors. Mine shares my bed with me.

I hear my neighbor cruise by my window on his bicycle. He has a radio attached to his handlebars, he’s always listening to a baseball game or oldies music on some far away channel. The static is as loud as the commentators. I wonder where he goes to and comes from so late at night. I admire that he rides a bike everywhere. Once I saw him in his front yard while I was on a walk. He told me I should carry a big stick for self defense. I don’t.

A police car turns on its siren for a few seconds. I wonder what the night noise is like for a lonely police officer in this quiet town. Maybe he sees a stray dog or a jaywalker or my night-cycling neighbor.

My dog snores and twitches and growls on my bed.

I find comfort in these night sounds. They are always here, if I stay up late enough. I like the quiet of this corner house at night. Someday I will be in a new place with new nights and new noises. A new room with quiet night sounds of its own.

What I Will Never Be(come).

A prisoner.
Helpless.
Emotionally reckless.
Financially dependent on my mother. Or anyone.
Boycotter of apologies.
Enabler.
Limitless forgiver.
Selfless.
Disrespectful of personal space.
Slammer of doors.
Capable of fearfully unpredictable outbursts of anger.
Threatener of violence.
Perpetrator of violence.
Absent of hope for the future.
Without compassion.
Undependable.
Unaware of the real good in this world.

I am grateful to the people who have taught me what I do not want to be. Their future is not my future. God has formed me for something beautiful.

(the end of) Last night’s dream:

I was shopping at Forever21, and actually feeling impressed with their stuff. There were lots of pink and white clothes. I noticed the music in the store was horrible hard rock (Metallica?) then it changed to “Elevator Love Letter” by Stars, which is one of my favorite songs ever ever of all time. The slowly I came out of my dream to hear the song waking me up on my iHome alarm.

I get so freaked out when reality penetrates my dreams. Brains are nuts.

You know how They say, “Your life can change in a matter of moments”

Apparently it’s actually true.

When you’re doing the right thing, but someone thinks it’s the wrong thing.

I will delete this soon.

I’m planning for sooner rather than later. New job. A real boss. A real Home. More responsibility. Less quiet. Better food.

I think when you know, is when you want to make another human happy every day. When you know they deserve all you can give. I will fail some days, but I will commit my mind and my heart fully.

These changes will separate me more and more from the past. Much of it is a past that I want to grow away from. Being naive, under appreciated, and unprotected never really felt good. New day time.

Somehow this video makes me feel at peace. Life may give us lemons. And fireworks. And accidental free falls. But we get through it by dancing in our underwear.

Well, I do.

I am new. I am ready. I have heard 3 million lessons and assurances and encouraging words on this subject, but God gave me the most meaningful one yet. This is the lesson I needed.

I am ready to be excited about the future instead of foolishly planning my evasions of failure. I am ready to love myself. I am ready to forgive someone who taught me the wrong thing. Some adults just don’t know the truth, and they inadvertently pass down that lack of knowledge. Or maybe it was purposeful. I am ready to live separate from those lies.

I saw myself crossing the space between two tall, brick ledges. It was a dream but I was awake. These surfaces were very high, but not far apart. I could almost jump on my own, but I was not alone. He was holding me and we walked between the ledges and I did not fall. We walked away from the fear.

There is no fear upstream. The disappointment and pain and fear lives downstream, where everything we let go ends up. I will be looking the other way, toward the source.

How does Ryan Gosling know what makes me happiest? Oh yes, because he is perfect.

(I’m sorry but I had to. This one fits me too well.)